Why "not kissing until marriage" isn't the best idea + other good girl myths

At thirteen, I got home from a Wednesday night youth group and announced to my mom, "So I've decided I'm not going to kiss anyone until I get married." That night our youth pastor introduced the book and revolutionary idea, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." 

By this point, the so-called "purity culture" had evolved into an ideal Christian young women were expected to live by. (Granted, I doubt the pastors, marketers, and youth workers at the time realized that over half of the young people they targeted would enter their 30's still single.) Even still, I can not deny that this message met me as a young idealist and highly hopeless romantic as an approach that appeared to ensure true love at last. (Mind you, I was thirteen.)  

Honestly, I thought my mom would be proud her daughter would choose to set the bar so high at such a young age. 

"I think that's a dumb idea," she responded, giggling. Then, I think she was seriously concerned. "There are some important things you are going to want to get to know about a guy before you get married," she said. "And a kiss can tell you a lot." Now my mom - also the senior pastor's wife at the time - was one hundred percent behind high standards and practicing caution in dating. She just didn't want her little dreamy-eyed girl to get all the wrong ideas in her head about relationships and love.

Truth be told, a kiss can tell you a lot. (And no, I did not have my first kiss at the altar.) 

Today, there are endless articles and podcasts on "A Generation Shamed by True Love Waits" or "How the Purity Culture failed me." Now, I don't have such a drastic story; I don't regret the decisions I've made through my single years, the standards I set for who I would marry, or the expectations I’ve had for myself.

But the vague message of sex in the church became so idolized and glorified that many of us raised with them were left with a ton of confusion, frustrations, and misconceptions. Because even when I was attempting a balanced approach to dating (whatever that means nowadays), learning to set my own personal standards and navigate my sexuality through my 20’s and 30’s was nothing short of exhausting. 

Since I've been married, I've hesitated to jump back into this topic. I know what dating today looks like. And I know, regardless of what your beliefs, standards or situation may be, singleness is not always as "easy, breezy" as many married couples may like to make you feel it is. 

I first wrote on the frustrations of sexuality for Christian females in 2017. I titled it Good Girls Need Cold Showers Too -  but really, I was asking, "Am I the only one who feels this crazy?"

For any females whose fundamental ideas of sex and sexuality were formed by the church, two things often added to the confusion: First, the topic of dating and marriage is often addressed as if there is only one type of female. Second, is the subject of sexuality, in all of its potential complexity and beauty is nearly nonexistent. 

For men, it seemed to be a different discussion. In youth group, boys were led in candid conversations on their own sexual desires and curiosities while us girls, in the next room, would be discussing the appropriate skirt-length and prayer lists for the ideal man. 

Even in college, there were exclusively male and female services the week of Valentine's Day. One year, the girls were in one room being cautioned that "falling in love messes with your head" and releases oxytocin in your brain, which "causes you to think unclearly." (Truth be told, oxytocin also plays a crucial role in social bonds, reproduction, and trust, which is some of the real magic of love - but that's beside the point.) Later I found out the guy's service was basically a free for all Q & A, covering every topic from porn to masturbating. Often for females, the natural complexity, hormonal tendencies, and emotional depth of sexuality are commonly overlooked, are so neglected you might as well assume Christian females are supposed to be asexual beings. So it is no wonder many of us walk through our 20's and 30's feeling so frustrated, confused, and strange.

I'm not saying it's all black and white, that everyone's ethics should be the same, or that navigating your sexuality in singleness gets any easier.

Because, if you have sexual frustrations, you're normal. If you're still trying to figure out how to navigate it, you're normal. And if you're tired of navigating it, you are normal. 

Because you are a female human being. 

Already, any girl who chooses to live by a sexual standard on her own usually is not going to set the bar low. So it's ok to feel a little crazy at times. You probably wouldn't be normal if you didn't.